Welcome to Phoenix Journals!

Intimate Reflections on Walking with Shadow and Chaos

The first card I pulled today ~ Oh the magic of Kairos!

Greetings, Spirit Seeds Community!

Welcome to my newest offering ~Phoenix Journals ~ daily (mostly! Don’t box me in!) personal writings on my journey as a Shadow Worker and Chaos Walker. The pool is deep, so let’s dive right in.

When I started my writing journey a year ago, I had no idea where it would take me. It’s been a wild ride!

I was familiar with the Medium platform, I had been an avid reader for years, but I didn’t publish anything of my own until 2022.

And then I couldn’t stop.

I wrote almost exclusively about my mother for months. She put herself on hospice last July and has been dying ever since.

Scratch that. She has now “graduated” from hospice and is under regular care at an assisted living facility.

Last week she sent me flowers ~ to my childhood home in Minnesota. I’ve been living in North Carolina for the past four years.

She’s not all there. But then again, she never really was.

Back to the Story. Writing about my mother opened and healed so many parts of my Origin Wounds. My writing is raw and vulnerable, which are amazing catalysts for growth. Every piece I wrote and published brought me closer to myself, to wholeness, to authenticity and self-trust.

But there was a catch ~ each memoir I published inevitably invited comments of concern and “hope for my healing,” which I found confusing. People seemed WORRIED about me, and that did not resonate with my frequency field at all.

I found myself feeling annoyed and impatient. In my mind, the alchemy of writing the story WAS the healing I needed in that moment. So the lingering worry for my well-being seemed out of place.

I did not yet know that I am a Chaos Alchemist and Shadow Worker and that navigating disruption is the foundation of MY magic.

Now I know. I have a gift for alchemizing pain and trauma, and, like everything I do, I do it FAST.

I don’t fuck around.

Once I’ve identified the wound, it’s GAME ON.

I usually start in research mode, coupled with furious journaling infused with TONS of color. Mind maps, meditation, oracle cards ~ they all come out to play. Nature walks, plant communion and lots of present time with my animal companions are some of the medicines I use.

I’ve honed my toolbox well and know what works for me and when. By the time I’m sharing my truth with the world, the lead has already been turned to gold.

And I’m learning that that is OK. I don’t have to feel guilty or like I’m bypassing because my timeline does not fit the expectations of others.

This is my unique expression of Spirit in the world. I am not responsible for how it’s received ~ this is Soul living in action.

Phoenix Journals are an invitation to my alchemical process of returning to Self. The first couple of entries will be available to all Spirit Seeds subscribers. Going forward, these journals will be available as an offering to paid subscribers.

Welcome Inside…

So CHAOS. Such DIVINE TIMING as today is the day I start my search in earnest for a new home. Though we are both moving to Michigan, my partner and I are separating. He is moving in with his mother to help caretake his step-father and I am getting my own place for the first time since 2016.

When I think about the search, the PANIC BLOOMS start to root. I’m trying hard to quell their fire, but I’ll be honest, it is so not easy in this moment.

I’m fascinated by the sheer volume of fear I have around finding a new place to live. Over the past 30 years, I have lived in more places than I can remember, from Minnesota to DC to Thailand and back ~ I’ve always found a safe place to land.

So why do I continue to experience this fear-spiral around housing?

It comes down to worthiness. I have a horrible credit score and no savings to speak of. In my mind, this means there is no way I can secure a place because I will be REJECTED based on my financial landscape.

And money matters. While my Wise Mind knows that money has no reflection on my inner worth, they are deeply connected in my psyche. My father killed himself because of money. ‘Nuff said.

So I’m leaning WAY THE FUCK IN to faith, trust, and surrender. With a healthy dose of self-compassion for the part of me that’s cowering in fear.

I’ll keep you posted.

© Kelley Murphy, 2023.

Thank you so much for reading! xo

This publication is growing from seed, scatter it to the wind and share it with your friends!